Tuesday June 12th, 2012 - Evening
Just a short post tonight. Tomorrow I meet with the Oncologist to find out my fate. I think until then this is all pretty unreal. I have noticed some subtle changes, like not having enough energy to make it through most of the day without a nap. Feeling exhausted deep in my core and an overwhelming sense of grief or pain or regret building up inside of me. I'm not sure what it is and I stop it when it tries to pour out because I am worried I will lose complete control.
Today I spent most of the day with my daughter, we drove to Vancouver for a doctor's appointment and it took all my strength not to break down on the way in. She asked me a little bit about my cancer but she doesn't really understand. She asked if I was going to die. What do I say to that one? I said I didn't know, it just didn't make sense to me to tell her that no I won't, because that wouldn't be fair to her. My son seems to just be ignoring the entire thing, perhaps that's his way of dealing with it, but it breaks my heart when he is rude to me because in the back of my mind I am thinking "hey I might not always be here, love me dammit"! I just want to sit them both down and tell them to be kind to each other and be kind to me because pretty soon life will be very very hard and they will need each other.
I want to thank all the amazing people who have reached out to me over the last couple of days. Your thoughts and suggestions, especially about support groups and nutritional websites have been very helpful. I got a great email from a woman who has offered to help me to pick out a good wig, should I choose to go that route when my hair falls out, I was so excited because I have the perfect Marilyn Monroe style in mind. Although my daughter has suggested I cut my hair very short first and dye it all sorts of colours, this could be fun.
The books and nutritional references have been very informative, I guess I'm going to end up a Greens Freak afterall. I even had fresh Arugula in my shake this morning. My husband has been amazing, providing foods that he knows are good for me and holding me when I have my mini break downs. Last night was quite funny - in hindsight of course - because I had a terrible nightmare about Death (he didn't have a sythe, but was more of a black shadow with a sombrero style hat) coming to get me in my bedroom, and in my dream my husband wasn't waking up so I started screaming to wake him up. Apparently I was screaming so loudly that I really did wake him up. He said in all the times I've had nightmares, he's never heard me scream that strongly and that loudly. I'm going to remember that for when I have bad days ahead, scream with force and kick the devil out of me.
My goal is to update my blog tomorrow after we have an idea what the treatment plan is and where we go from here. However, if you don't see anything, please give me a couple of days, I may take some time to absorb it all.
Yours In Health,