Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Still Living in La La Land

Tuesday June 12th, 2012 - Evening
Just a short post tonight.  Tomorrow I meet with the Oncologist to find out my fate.  I think until then this is all pretty unreal.  I have noticed some subtle changes, like not having enough energy to make it through most of the day without a nap.  Feeling exhausted deep in my core and an overwhelming sense of grief or pain or regret building up inside of me.  I'm not sure what it is and I stop it when it tries to pour out because I am worried I will lose complete control.  
Today I spent most of the day with my daughter, we drove to Vancouver for a doctor's appointment and it took all my strength not to break down on the way in.  She asked me a little bit about my cancer but she doesn't really understand.  She asked if I was going to die.  What do I say to that one? I said I didn't know, it just didn't make sense to me to tell her that no I won't, because that wouldn't be fair to her.  My son seems to just be ignoring the entire thing, perhaps that's his way of dealing with it, but it breaks my heart when he is rude to me because in the back of my mind I am thinking "hey I might not always be here, love me dammit"!  I just want to sit them both down and tell them to be kind to each other and be kind to me because pretty soon life will be very very hard and they will need each other.
I want to thank all the amazing people who have reached out to me over the last couple of days.  Your thoughts and suggestions, especially about support groups and nutritional websites have been very helpful.  I got a great email from a woman who has offered to help me to pick out a good wig, should I choose to go that route when my hair falls out, I was so excited because I have the perfect Marilyn Monroe style in mind.  Although my daughter has suggested I cut my hair very short first and dye it all sorts of colours, this could be fun.
The books and nutritional references have been very informative, I guess I'm going to end up a Greens Freak afterall.  I even had fresh Arugula in my shake this morning.  My husband has been amazing, providing foods that he knows are good for me and holding me when I have my mini break downs.  Last night was quite funny - in hindsight of course - because I had a terrible nightmare about Death (he didn't have a sythe, but was more of a black shadow with a sombrero style hat) coming to get me in my bedroom, and in my dream my husband wasn't waking up so I started screaming to wake him up.  Apparently I was screaming so loudly that I really did wake him up.  He said in all the times I've had nightmares, he's never heard me scream that strongly and that loudly.  I'm going to remember that for when I have bad days ahead, scream with force and kick the devil out of me.
My goal is to update my blog tomorrow after we have an idea what the treatment plan is and where we go from here.  However, if you don't see anything, please give me a couple of days, I may take some time to absorb it all.
Yours In Health,


Michelle Pammenter Young said...

JJune 13, 2012 | Mummy copied from past blog page:

I am with you. Keep fighting my little one.
Your Mum.

Michelle Pammenter Young said...

June 13, 2012 | Wendy copied from past blog page:

Love, hugs and kisses to you my dear friend. We are kindred spirits in alot of ways but you have an innate strength and determination that is admirable that I strive to attain. If there is anyone who can fight and win against this adversay, it is you! I believe sincerely believe that one can influence a supposed 'fate' with power from within. Always here for you. xoxo


Michelle Pammenter Young said...

June 13, 2012 | Parisa copied from past blog page:

You're a smart, beautiful and strong woman. You can fight and win. Attract What You Desire to your life.
By the way, Kale is a fantastic superfood, add it to your salad, soup or make kale chips. xoxo


Michelle Pammenter Young said...

June 13, 2012 | Jean Goldie copied from past blog page:

Thinking of you my friend xxx

Michelle Pammenter Young said...

June 13, 2012 | Maureen copied from past blog page:

You are just such a brave woman and I'm praying and thinking of you and your entire family. Chin up little one! xxx


Michelle Pammenter Young said...

June 13, 2012 | Stephanie copied from past blog page:

Dear Michelle,
I am thinking of you - keep up your amazing pluck and your wonderful ability of expressing your thoughts, feelings, fears and worries, hopes and dreams. Thank you for sharing them! Don't worry if you feel you need a little break inbetween, you would be supernatural if you didn't. When you are better again I/we all would love to see you here with or without a bicycle with your friends and your family too!


Michelle Pammenter Young said...

June 13, 2012 | Libby copied from past blog page:

SO hard to talk to your kids about this stuff. My son played vague and indifferent, while my daughter cried, asked questions, and became my little nurse. Hard to answer the tough questions when we don't know the answers ourselves. Having to make your kids grow up, in spite of wanting to keep them little and able to rely on you. No easy away around it...just through it.

I do hope that your appointment today is productive and encouraging. I also hope you have someone with you to handle the barrage of information coming your way. I found it helpful to ask for any copies of reports I could. Often, they are more than happy to supply them. I kept them in a binder ( that my daughter decorated for me!) and brought them with me to appointments, so not only had I somewhat informed questions, but I could check their work! Somehow it made me feel a little bit in the drivers seat. ( I hate to give up control!)

Hang in there, girl....

Michelle Pammenter Young said...

June 13, 2012 | Amy copied from past blog page:

Thinking of you today, Michelle, and wondering how your appointment went. Looking forward to Friday night! AND think of all the hairstyles you can rock with a few different wigs!


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