Sorry I have not written since Monday morning however I have had two very bad days. I imagine though that these bad days don't even hold a candle to the type of bad days I shall be experiencing in the future, suffice it to say they were horrible.
Before I had my first chemo session I was very scared and wondered what it would be like. I went to some websites and read a bit and it sounded awful, however I never thought it could be this bad. I had a dream last night that actually might help you understand a little. Imagine, it's the 1400's or some ancient time like that and you're a nice young lad or lady who has been captured by wicked people who are going to use you for their entertainment. They experiment on you, they pump you with drugs, they make you work all night to entertain them and their friends and then during the day you have to clean all their mess. You sleep on a cold brick floor in the pantry and are on some type of drug that they have shoved into you about 23hrs of the day. They do this for months on end and then when you are almost dead, a mere shell of the human you were, they slit both your achillies and put you out on the road to freedom. Imagine, months of being abused and completely drug riddled and helpless and now it's your job to heal yourself and get well. That my friends is what my body feels like right now. I want to eat, but food makes me sick, I want to sleep and then I can't get to sleep, my body spends all night boiling out the poison that is inside it, then all day I am sick as a dog. I didn't think it was humanly possible to feel this bad and apparently with each chemo session it gets worse. So I'm in for a hell of a shitty ride over the next year. Now don't get all harpy on my, I'm not feeling sorry for myself (okay maybe just a little bit), I'm merely expressing how I feel. It helps for me to "get it out" so to speak. I know thousands have done this road before me and unfortunately thousands will still have to go down it, but that doesn't make it any better or any easier to accept.
Blah! That's my yukky stuff out for today. I want to thank so many of my friends who have come out of the woodwork and helped in the smallest and most important ways. From bringing delicious food to the door, re-arranging my flowers, walking my dog to giving me hugs when I need them, thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I am about 5% down a very long road and I know soon summer will be in full swing and people rightly so will move on with their lives so I want to make sure you all know how much every little gesture means to me. I have always had a very hard time accepting help so this is quite challenging, I only hope you know how much this means to me.
Today was a big day...I got my hair chopped off. I was very sad going in for that. Here is a picture of me just before I had my hair cut off, I'm crying a little so it's not so great.
Then Meghan took me into her chair and began the process of removing my hair that I love so much. She was very gentle and kind, even tolerated my running to the bathroom to get sick breaks, and afterwards she washed my new hair and gave me a lovely head massage. Here is the after shot. I know I'm smiling, but truly I'm not feeling very hippy, happy, hoppy about it all.
Lisa bought me a lovely pair of earings (which you can hardly see in this picture) to add a feminine touch and Meghan said the new haircut makes me look much taller.
Today while I was having my hair cut, my daughter had a musical receital at school.
I am so sorry that I had to miss it, however her dad sent over a couple of lovely photos of her playing the trumpet. I saved her a lock of my hair - which she took with some trepidation although she did say she liked my new hair cut and that I looked younger.
Well folks, that's all for tonight, I hope to feel good for at least an hour tomorrow so I must not push it now.
I'll update you when I get the results of the bone scan.