Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Bad Days - New Hair Days - a Day in the Life.

Sorry I have not written since Monday morning however I have had two very bad days.   I imagine though that these bad days don't even hold a candle to the type of bad days I shall be experiencing in the future, suffice it to say they were horrible.
Before I had my first chemo session I was very scared and wondered what it would be like.  I went to some websites and read a bit and it sounded awful, however I never thought it could be this bad.  I had a dream last night that actually might help you understand a little.  Imagine, it's the 1400's or some ancient time like that and you're a nice young lad or lady who has been captured by wicked people who are going to use you for their entertainment.  They experiment on you, they pump you with drugs, they make you work all night to entertain them and their friends and then during the day you have to clean all their mess.  You sleep on a cold brick floor in the pantry and are on some type of drug that they have shoved into you about 23hrs of the day.  They do this for months on end and then when you are almost dead, a mere shell of the human you were, they slit both your achillies and put you out on the road to freedom.  Imagine, months of being abused and completely drug riddled and helpless and now it's your job to heal yourself and get well.  That my friends is what my body feels like right now.  I want to eat, but food makes me sick, I want to sleep and then I can't get to sleep, my body spends all night boiling out the poison that is inside it, then all day I am sick as a dog.  I didn't think it was humanly possible to feel this bad and apparently with each chemo session it gets worse.  So I'm in for a hell of a shitty ride over the next year.  Now don't get all harpy on my, I'm not feeling sorry for myself (okay maybe just a little bit), I'm merely expressing how I feel.  It helps for me to "get it out" so to speak.  I know thousands have done this road before me and unfortunately thousands will still have to go down it, but that doesn't make it any better or any easier to accept.  
Blah!  That's my yukky stuff out for today.  I want to thank so many of my friends who have come out of the woodwork and helped in the smallest and most important ways.  From bringing delicious food to the door, re-arranging my flowers, walking my dog to giving me hugs when I need them, thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  I am about 5% down a very long road and I know soon summer will be in full swing and people rightly so will move on with their lives so I want to make sure you all know how much every little gesture means to me.  I have always had a very hard time accepting help so this is quite challenging, I only hope you know how much this means to me.
Today was a big day...I got my hair chopped off.  I was very sad going in for that.  Here is a picture of me just before I had my hair cut off, I'm crying a little so it's not so great.
Then Meghan took me into her chair and began the process of removing my hair that I love so much.  She was very gentle and kind, even tolerated my running to the bathroom to get sick breaks, and afterwards she washed my new hair and gave me a lovely head massage.  Here is the after shot.  I know I'm smiling, but truly I'm not feeling very hippy, happy, hoppy about it all.

Lisa bought me a lovely pair of earings (which you can hardly see in this picture) to add a feminine touch and Meghan said the new haircut makes me look much taller.  
Today while I was having my hair cut, my daughter had a musical receital at school.  
I am so sorry that I had to miss it, however her dad sent over a couple of lovely photos of her playing the trumpet.  I saved her a lock of my hair - which she took with some trepidation although she did say she liked my new hair cut and that I looked younger.
Well folks, that's all for tonight, I hope to feel good for at least an hour tomorrow so I must not push it now.  
I'll update you when I get the results of the bone scan.
Nighty Night.


Unknown said...

June 19, 2012 | Wendy copied from previous blog page:

You're a tough cookie my Michelle! Your hair looks great!
Sweet and peaceful dreams to you! See you soon xoxo

Unknown said...

June 20, 2012 | Cris copied from previous blog page:

Michelle....I do love the pixie cut and yes it does make you look younger. I've been keeping up with your blogs and let me tell you girl, you have amazing strength to be able to deal with all these emotions inside you, the sickness of you treatment and still have energy to keep us informed with this blog.
I tip my hat to you and send you nothing but good positive energy your way.
You WILL beat this and when you look back on it, think of it as a teaching experience, because you are definitely educating me and I'm sure a few other people on this dreaded disease.
Chin up and positive thoughts.


Unknown said...

June 20, 2012 | Ashleigh copied from previous blog page:

You are AMAZING!!! I am telling everyone about my dear friend Strong, Powerful & Positive Michelle!! This STUPID A-hole is on its way out the door. I know it's a long battle but I'm here for you / whatever I can do!!! You look so great no matter what you do & keeping this blog up is so amazing / you are doing such a great job my darling. Keep your head held high :) More Hugs!!

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