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Thursday, 18 October 2012

Living my Life with only Half of Me Left

Please note my blog page has moved to Wordpress, you can find me on: WWW.PAMMENTERYOUNG.COM (You must clear anything else that pops up after that - like blogger.com or blogger.ca for it to go to the correct site.  If you see a RED BANNER, then you know you are on the correct new site.)
A poem I found in Mums things
Since my brother and my mother have died, both quickly, tragically and unexpectedly in the last two months, I have been barely living.  I feel as if half of my entire life has just been ripped away from me and it can never come back.  There were desperate days where I just didn't want to go on, I missed them both so much and could not imagine a life without them.  I have also lost all my faith in life and in death.  I guess you could say I'm like the little girl who believed in Santa and fairies and then one day found out that Santa didn't exist and fairies aren't real either.  I feel as if my love of life "my naivety" has been stripped from me like a thick skin, the rose coloured glasses smashed in the process.  Now all I see is the sufferings of life followed by death, followed by nothing.  It's over!  The end!  Nothing more exists, so why do we bother to be here in the first place?

To come back out from this head space is pretty hard to do.  I am now angry and don't want to play at this silly game of life anymore.  From what I have seen of death and from what I've read, there is nothing after death.  My brother and my mother didn't reunite in each others arms with joy.  He wasn't there waiting for her because there is no there, it's just nothing, big dead blank!  We all like to think lovely stories about when we die we will meet up with those we loved and hold them again, and will we communicate in subtle ways with those left behind to guide them to be better people.  No, it's all just a hopeful fantasy, a way for those of us still living to prepare ourselves mentally for dying, and for those who lost loved ones, to make the passing of the loved one easier on the ones left behind.  When we die, when our body stops pumping blood, breathing and pulsing, then that's it.  We slowly become cold and hard and our colour seeps out of our skin.  We look like frozen zombies, we don't feel human anymore because we aren't.  All that is left is a bunch of cells that were once living and have now been shut down.  There is no love left there, no kindness, no joy, just a used body.  THE END.
Mummy Aged 4

So, as I go through everyday, every moment, hoping each will be a little better than the last I realize I'm stuck.  I am cynical and angry about life, about what a stupid game it is and that we are all suckered into it for what?  To grow up, get jobs, become model citizens, have families, grow old and one day we just die.  All we did, all we had was pointless, it meant nothing, we're dead.  When I'm dead, I'm not going to care about the nice sheets I had on my bed, or the excellent coffee maker I bought, or my car that I love, or the gas fireplaces that keep the house warm in the winter.  Really I'm not going to  care and neither is anyone else, so why do all this in the first place?   Is it because we feel we have to do something, we have to live civilized lives with all the trappings?  We have to be seen in the right clothes with an iPhone (not android or blackberry), with cool boots and drive a cool car.  Our kids must go to the best schools and do well in school and achieve, achieve, achieve, for what???  They too will die and what is it all for.

This earth is over populated already, so why are we still able to have children?  Why don't we stop birthing for a while, let the populations drop and then when we're back to a more manageable size, we can procreate again but in controlled amounts.  I still don't see our purpose, I mean look, even ants and bee's have a purpose. They are born, they collect food to feed the queen, they collect stuff to build the ant nest or bee hive, and then in time they die.  However they did not live without a purpose, their purpose is clear, to keep the queen alive so that the bees may continue to live so they can spread the pollen for the flowers.  Job well done.  Humans, we're born, we're cute for a while, then we cause our parents and possibly teachers and others all kinds of grief, we become workers in the system so we can bring home a paycheque to spend on "things", we drink too much, we commit crimes, we do drugs, we damage others and the earth and the animals and then we die.  The good ones, when they die leave others grieving (how kind), and the other die without mention or memory - so really what's the point here?
Two of the greatest reasons for me to go on living.

When I think of my own personal hell that I've lived these last 5 months I don't see much purpose in a lot of it anymore.  If this cancer doesn't go away completely, or if it comes back within 3 years, which it has a 60+ percent chance it can do so, then I have a difficult decision to make.  Having gone through chemo and knowing what "life" it sucks out of you, I'm not willing to do that again.  I mean why live if you have no quality of life.  However on the flip side, having just lost my Mummy and fully understanding the pain and heartbreak that comes from losing ones Mum, I feel a strong responsibility not to do that to my children.  They are too young to lose a mum, it would change their lives forever (I'm sure this year has already done a bit of that to them already), but on top of it all to lose their mother would be too much.  So I feel an obligation to fight to stay alive for them, and for Wade and the rest of my family because they love me.  However, if it came back, my choice would be to not poison myself again and make my life living hell again.  My choice would be to live the last few months as best I can by doing all the things on my bucket list and dying with smiles and memories and loved ones who will remember all the great times we had together.  I'm not going to any heaven or beautiful place to run and play with my Mum after this, so I'm not saving any of myself for that.  I want to lie there dying knowing that I've managed to take my children back to Africa, my home; that I've managed to take them to Germany to show them all the wonderful places I spent my childhood Christmases.  I want to have gone to Disneyland with them, to have gone camping again with them, to have gone snorkelling in the South Pacific with them by my side, to go out for nice family dinners after our day trips and talk like old friends for hours so that I can learn all about them and their lives and their dreams and their wishes.  I want to die knowing that I truly knew them and they truly knew me so that when I am nothing but ashes, in their hearts and minds I'll still exist as the mother who said she was Tinkerbell, who raced around the house doing somersaults just for fun, who did crazy things with them and rode all the rides with them and loved them and read to them and cuddled them all the time.

So, although when I'm gone, there will be no second world, or after life for me, I hope I will live on in the hearts and minds of my loved ones, I would want them not to be sad and think of my last few years as being sick and down with cancer treatments, I want them to remember them as being a blast, I want them to remember that we travelled the world together, we ate crazy food together, we saw amazing things together, but mostly we loved and we laughed.  That will be my legacy, my gift.

My task to to figure out how to achieve all that :-)

I'm open to suggestions

In Limbo
Michelle

7 comments:

Kristina Berg said...

I Michelle, I hear so much pain, anger and disappointment in your journey that god has given you and rightfully so. I wish I had answers for you.

The only answer I ever found was when I started praying and asking why HE wanted me to go on this journey of pain and suffering? What was it suppose to teach me? I did find my answer and graciously I see life through very different eyes today. One day at a time, find only the meanings today...tomorrow doesn't matter (even for us that are not suffering anymore). I don't live in fear anymore of death, but enjoyment of learning and living... as I do have a tremendous faith. We are all going to die, leave our body and move on. I suppose since I have experienced odd "afterlife" connections many times...I know that our spirits are definitely somewhere. This body we are given is just a portal for our spirits to teach others what the higher power needs us to teach. God has a plan for all of us...sometimes we just don't know what they are because we are asking the wrong questions. with love...

Alma Horn said...

My heart goes out to you and I am sending you the warmest hug I can do. I can never comprehend what you are going through because I have been luckier in life. BUT I do want to share with you my greatest discovery that gratitude uplifts, heals, up-spirals, exalts, brings joy, stabilizes and generally channels the positive of this world into your life. Start a gratitude journal and every day, write down 10 things that you are grateful for. Look at your mother's lovely letter - it instructs you to live your life to the fullest. DO that! and be grateful for the life you had with her and your brother and that you are still having with your little ones! You will be surprised how your attitude can turn around and just absolutely split open with laughter! I'm sending so much love to you as well. You are doing brilliantly! I promise. xxx

Alma Horn said...

I also recommend you contact this lady. She does wonders.

Donna McCallum
aka The Fairy Godmother
www.fairygodmotherinc.com

donna@fairygodmotherinc.com

Cell: +27 82-411-3875
Fax: +27 86-510-5014

Michelle Pammenter Young said...

Hi Kristina, thanks for your comment. The challenge I have with God is the way he is choosing to teach whatever lesson he thinks I need to learn. Why give me a cancer with such a low survival rate? Regular Breast Cancer would have done the trick. If I do get taken by this disease in the next 10 years then I'll be angry because why take a mother away from young children? They need their mother to raise them into young people with confidence and courage and respect for others. I still have a big job to do here, I'm not ready to go anytime soon. As to the "afterlife" I think my brother was taken too soon, and my mother although older was also too soon. If they were taken as people are alluding to, to look after me, well then why aren't they communicating with me? This is all so much to understand right now and my frustration, pain and anger are getting in the way of any sort of acceptance or belief at the moment. I do however appreciate hearing your experience as it will germinate as a seed inside me and when I'm ready it will help me find my way.
Thanks,
Michelle

Michelle Pammenter Young said...

Hi Alma,
I was thinking about the gratitude journal idea, the problem is I cannot think of 10 things that I am grateful for right now. Too much anger in the way. I am trying to "life life to its fullest" or what that means for me, it's just challenging while I'm only functioning at 30% due to the affects of chemo, and with radiation and surgery coming up, I will be this way until at least next June/July. That is a long, long time to be patient and wait. It's also a long time to not be working which not only affects how I feel about myself as a contributing member of society, but it also takes a huge financial toll on us which in turn influences some of my "life my life to its fullest" choices that I would like to make. Such a vicious cycle.
I'm trying to keep my head and make my way through the garbage and hope that I come out the other side healed and with no future metastasis.
Hugs,
Michelle

Abdulla Sagaiar said...

Hi Michelle.

Every one have different thoughts and rightly so,and what you feel is perfectly healthy and in your own right,but some times there is more to life than what we think,I have cancer since 2001,and believe me I feel better and healthier now than then simply because I know god made us all equal and there must be a reason for god to give one cancer and not the other whatever good or bad reason.

the only challenge I have I must fight the cancer mentally more than the physical side,because our brains are in control of our bodies so don't give up giving up,do what I do when people talk about cancer I think of it as some losing invader which I can control by telling my brain ignore it mate aint gonna get you.

Chental Wilson said...

My dearest Michelle, I hear your pain and anger but know that this is hurting your body. Anger and fear vibrates at a different frequency and is hard for your body to take, switch to love and trust if you want to kick this cancer in the ass, know that love and forgiveness and trust and acceptance are the tools. When one hasnt experienced the knowing of the afterlife it requires tremendous faith to believe in it, I know this but all I can say is that this human life is but a spec on our palette of our souls. The emotions you feel come from our wounded ego believing that we in fact can even be hurt as the purity of our souls cannot, only our wounded ego can be hurt. You are angry that your magic of life and living has been taken from you but know that your brother and mother are close by watching you. My suggestion would be to go to see a Medium and they will be able to confirm this to you.. also a book called dying to be me by anita moorjani can affirm what Im saying also. Plus Brian Weiss wrote a book called Many Masters many minds this will also help you to understand what you cannot see or feel - YET! My friends would say to me why dosnt my sister communicate with me, why does she talk to you (she passed away years ago) I said because you are not listening, the ability to hear comes from the ability to trust, surrender and let go, perhaps this is your greatest lesson, can you fill your heart once again with LOVE even when you dont understand and cant make sense of it, can you embrace the unknown and live fearlessly in the moment. Big hugs to you, I have not had a serious illness so I havnt walked in your shoes, however I have lost my mother and father and I know them to be still with me close by. My father came to me in 3 dreams and I included these in my new book Can I Be Me without losing you? trooper on I have much faith in you, I feel the little girl in you that believes. xxchental

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