After all the trauma and chaos I have been through over the past four and a half months, I decided it was time to start working my way back to normality. Now, I'm not sure if making that decision was my way of saying to the universe, listen, you can't hit me with anything else because I'm now on the road back up or if I thought I was really ready to start on the road back up.
So today I took a small step. A few days ago I registered for a Women's Leadership Workshop which took place today. In the past I would have attending this type of an event with the goal being to improve my business and my career. This time, I chose to go for two reasons, one, I was intrigued by one of the topics and two, I wanted to try to "get back out into the world". I mean I do have to go back to work one day and continue to contribute to society.
Since being ill and the other two events in my life I have been avoiding people. At first, being ill kept me home because I have been too sick to work or do much other than sleep and recover from chemo. Then, since the death of my brother and mother, I have been too fragile to go out. I would break down at the smallest show of kindness from anyone, so to avoid this, I've just stayed away from people.
Today was a big step for me, it started quite well. I managed to get through the registration, say hello to a few people I knew and find myself a spot at a table without doing anything out of the ordinary. Then when the sessions began, the trouble began. You see, the first session was about finding and living your passions. This was something I came for, something I wanted to do, yet how can I find my passions when my soul is broken? How can I think of momentum, moving forward when I'm still stuck in pain and loss and grieving? This was the first time in my life I realized I'm not one of those dolls that just bounce back up when you push them down. I've always been able to do that, but now it's going to take more than a bounce or momentum to get me back up. I can see this is going to be a slow, step by step process. There will be days where I can make steps forward, and there will also be days where my grief, or the chemo or my exhaustion will stop me or even pull me back down a notch. Not only am I going to have to show myself patience as I go through this process, but I'm also going to have to learn who I've become.
I am certainly not the woman I was before. I don't even know who I am now. I have some ideas of what is important to me and an inkling of how I'd like to live my life moving forward, but it is by no means a clear picture. I know that I want to spend more time with my family than ever before, although how that looks I don't know. I know that I want to show my children and my husband the world and enjoy new experiences with them, but how I'm going to achieve that, I have no idea.
So to think I could just rush back into life and "get back on the horse" was a big mistake. This recovery is going to take time. I have the emotional recovery to go through, and then when I am done with chemo, radiation and surgery I will have the physical recovery to get through. I don't know who will emerge at the end, have no idea what I or my life will be like then, so it's almost like giving birth to a new being. Just like nurturing your body during pregnancy, I'm going to have to nurture my body, my heart and my soul over the next few months so that I can bring forth a stronger, happier more enlightened version of the person I was, someone who can continue my journey in this world with more faith and love and passion than I ever could.
Saturday, 20 October 2012