Wednesday, 3 April 2013

I need your prayers and support please.

Well friends, tomorrow, Thursday April 4th is the big day.  The last treatment stage (hopefully) in what has been a gruelling eleven months of treatment to try and kill the beast that lives within me.

I am so terrified to go into surgery, terrified for a number of reasons.  The first being, what if I don't wake up again?  What if something goes wrong and I'm down, out for the count?  The second fear I have is the fear that the procedure itself may not be successful;

A) If there aren't enough good blood vessels then they have to automatically do the TRAM Flap - not what I wanted.
B) I'm okay to do the DIEP Flap but.....
  * What if Dr. M harvests the veins, begins the flap reconstruction and clots start to form in my veins?
  * What if she can reverse the clotting but my radiated skin starts to die because it is too damaged?
  * What if she cannot stop the clots, has to wake me up and tell me she's doing the back flap and then put me back under again to do that.
  * What if everything works in surgery, but two days later the reconstruction starts to die so I have to get rushed back into surgery?

Then there is all the fear of recovery.  The first few days of pain in my breast, underarm and abdominal incision areas.  How will I get up to go to the washroom?  How will I sleep?  How will I manage all the drains hanging out of me.  How will I get in and out of bed?  When can I eat again?  How painful will my first bowel movement be?

Then once I am home.  Who will clean and look after my drains?  How will I look after myself?  How will I bathe?  When can I walk properly again?  How will I get my fitness back?  How will I sleep?  How will I manage the pain?  Will Waldo jump on me and wreck the stitches? much to worry about right now.  I just want to take two Ativan and forget everything for the next three weeks.

Once the surgery is all done, my breast tissue gone, my lymph nodes all gone, then they will send it to pathology for testing.  Which means a few weeks of waiting for the results.  I want to hear that the cancer is gone.  I don't want to know that any of it has been left because that would mean back to square one.  More chemo, more hell, less life.

IBC is so aggressive that in the few weeks I've been waiting since radiation has finished, the cancer has begun to grow again.  It has already taken over about one third of my breast and may even be sending out little stalkers into my bloodstream and around the rest of my body.  I hope this is not happening.  It's time to get rid of this beast once and for all.

So dear friends and supporters, other than your thoughts and prayers, you can show your support by liking my Facebook page  Believe it or not, I get a little high out of every new "like" I get on the page.  It makes my day.

Also, why not pick up a copy of my book and read it while I am in surgery and recovery.  Then let me know how you enjoy it.  I get so excited to hear someone is reading my book and love to hear what you think.  So if you haven't a copy yet, Amazon has them on sale this week:  Just click here to get your copy sent out to you.

I promise to post some pics on Facebook of the surgery process (well I'll have a little helper do it for me), so be sure to check there for a post surgical update first.

See you on the flip side.



Caroline said...

Take the ativan and stop worrying about the what ifs. You can't control them and your cancer doesn't deserve to be able to stress you out. You are strong. You can do it. It may not be fun, but you can kick some serious cancer but..

ashley said...

Good luck Michelle! I had the same fears going into my surgery... It is natural to be worried. I am sending you lots of strength, love and envisioning a smooth recovery. xoxo

tccomments2013 said...

dear michelle,

i just found your blog and am so glad i did. i want you to know that i am sending you my most powerful vibes to help de-stress you, wipe the worry out with love and hope, and for a good outcome from your surgery. and take the ativan!

love, XOXO

karen, TC

Michelle Pammenter Young said...

Thank you Caroline, Ativan going on board tomorrow morning. Yippee!

Michelle Pammenter Young said...

Thanks honey. I'm going to come out of this looking fabulous right ;-)

Michelle Pammenter Young said...

I love the way you think Karen.

Thank you,

Lisa_Snow said...

My prayers are with you Michelle. Remember this is one more step to get the beast out of you.

Good luck tomorrow.

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