Monday, 22 April 2013

Healing Time

It is now just past two weeks since I have had my surgery and in some ways I am healing well, in other ways it seems to be taking an eternity.

I still cannot walk standing fully straight, however my abdominal incision which goes from hip to hip is no longer painful.  That is to say, it is a two out of ten on the pain scale, so really doesn't bother me too much.  My entire abdominal skin area is super, duper tight because it was so severely stretched in order to be sewn back together.  I can only lie flat on my back if my knees are bent, otherwise it feels like my skin will tear.  As you can tell from the photograph on the right, it is looking pretty decent.  All I have on there are steri strips which will be replaced on Tuesday and then go on again for another week or two.  The vertical line you see are some sores from blisters caused by the surgical tape, and they should heal quickly.  My new belly button seems to be coming along finely and although I don't feel flat as a board yet, my tummy looks pretty good and I'm clocking in at a nice 117lbs.

The underarm and drain hole
My bionic boob on the other hand is a completely different story.  It is still very painful and hard.  The majority of the pain is under my armpit and along my right arm.  I believe this is from the lymph nodes being removed.  I still have limited movement on my right side, due to the new breast literally gluing itself to my chest wall.  I have tried gently massage to get it unstuck, but nothing seems to help.  It appears to me the only solution is time.  I must admit though, it looks pretty decent from some angles and if and when the pain goes away and it softens a bit, it will be a pretty nice looking boobie.

One other thing that has happened to me as I sit at home healing is a huge recognition of the connection between mind and body.  Right now, my body is is shock, it's hurting, it has been amputated and cut and sewn back together and it is in a pretty shitty mood.  So I wasn't surprised yesterday to find myself in a pretty sad mood too.  I have all this grief and pain still locked up inside me and I have not allowed myself to feel any of it for fear it would affect my recovery.  However, sitting at home doing nothing, feeling very lonely and useless, I have moments where I simply cannot hold it all in.  Then the tears come, they come hard and fast, and I stop them quickly for fear they will overwhelm me and take me away.  I cry because I am still so afraid to die, I am greedy, I want more life, I don't want to leave here early.  I did not go through all this hell to simply live a few more years.  So I get sad and I get angry.  I also cry because I miss my mother immensely.  At a time like this, I need my mother.  I need her to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay.  I needed her when I came out of surgery and I need her now, every single day.  I wish when I am walking around the block alone with my dog that my mum was walking with me.

I realize some of this sadness is because I am feeling so terribly physically, and that once I start to feel better it will go, but also some of it is from before and still has to be worked through.  It will get better and easier I know.  For now though, it is a hard, lonely road and I hate it.  

At least the sun is shining today, that always makes me feel better.

Happy Monday.


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