It's bad....really bad!
Well shortly after writing my blog on Friday afternoon I got a call from Dr. Q. It was as if the world stood still, I couldn't find any words I couldn't even move. I just listened and kept saying "are you sure", "are you really sure"?? Yes, he said as gently as he could I'm sorry Michelle but the test results are conclusive, you have Inflammatory Breast Cancer. BOMB DROP! SILENCE!
I'm too shocked to know what to do, too shocked to ask what stage it's at or what's next????
Although I do know it's either stage III or stage IV as it has already spread into my lymph nodes. I also know that I'm about to be referred to an Oncologist whose primary role is to try to stop this cancer from eating me up alive - which it appears to be doing pretty rapidly, however in the process of doing this, he is going to fill my body with all kinds of poisons which will make me wish I would die.
Friday night was very hard for W (my hubby) and I. I think this is harder for him than it is for me because he has to take care of me and watch me wither away, not a nice experience to go through. I am trying hard to keep strong because this evil is just wanting me to be weak. There are moments however that aren't that easy.
I took something to help me sleep on Friday night and awoke at 5AM Saturday morning just sobbing. Deep chest heaving sobs, throbbing though out my whole body. I am going to die! I've been given my walking papers. I always said that if I knew I was going to die I'd do all the things I want to do and live to the fullest until that happens but I am so weak now that I cannot even imagine biking around Europe with my girlfriends (which is what I wanted to do for my 50th birthday). Chemo is going to suck what little energy I have left right out of me so just how the hell am I going to get all this done.
My list is long:
I promised the kids I would make Convention again this year at Sun Life and take them on the Cruise next April.
I want to take them and W to South Africa to see where I grew up
I want to take the family to Europe
I want to take them to New York City
They want to go to Disneyland
I want to go to Hawaii
I want to go to Las Vegas with the kids and W
I want to see the back deck completed and swim in our pool next summer and have a big summer bash.
I want to see my children graduate and get married and have babies.....
I want to live a long, long time and grow old with my husband
I just want to continue to work hard and enjoy my job and my family and pretend this never happened!
This is my new normal. Everyday I wake up with the knowledge that I am damaged. I am a ticking time bomb and nothing I can do will change that. All the little things that were so important just don't matter anymore. Nothing much does except for my family. We told the children last night. They seem to be adjusting okay, but then I think it will not really affect them until they see me actually ill.
Sorry if this particular post is a bit whiney and not very positive, I'll do better next time, today I am just feeling a little pissed off about the whole thing. Once I have a handle on what my treatment is, I'll feel a better sense of control.
Please feel free to post your comments.