Thursday, 4 October 2012

Feeling so Sad.

I'm pretty sure it's a combination of the chemicals I have just had injected into me, the pain killers and the personal stress that I am under that is contributing to my overall sense of sadness and loss.

Wade is playing some beautiful music downstairs on his guitar and it makes me sad when I hear it because I realize that two very special people in my life will never hear music again.  They will never wake up to see a sunrise again or smell the fresh morning air.  Seeing the waves washing agains the shore in Davis Bay on Tuesday tore my heart out.

M and I used to walk the pier there and go for dinner at Sirens.  Now she will never be able to do that again.  I cannot believe that in two short months God has chosen to take away two of my family members, this is so unfair, I was not ready for this.  I know it's selfish, but I needed M to help me get well and hold my hand through chemo, radiation and surgery.  I feel terrible that her last memories of me were when I was sick and bald.  I didn't want her to leave worried about me, I wanted to be healthy.  I can't believe I'll never see either of them again.

In sadness


Ashleigh said...

Michelle, grief is the most intense sadness anyone can ever feel. It's something that deep down inside we can't forgive or accept.
Your beautiful M is still there holding your hand, helping you through Chemo and what will be your next steps in this journey to light. I am so sorry that this has hit you right now. It truly is not fair and I've been questioning the universe this week massively for putting you into the sadness that you are. Know that you will get through this and that both your brother and mom are both with you, in spirit sending you strength and in your dreams giving you hugs and kisses. Our loves ones will never leave our side, they are our family forever and are connected to us always.
Find strength in looking at their pictures and know they want you to feel all the love they can give to you.

ALWAYS ALWAYS sending you love, light and love darling Michelle. In sadness with you!

I know it's hard to hear but grief does have a process.. it's good to know what you are feeling is something you will get through. It's also sad to know that time heals as I know right now it feels like nothing will be the same. But trust me after losing my dad I was in complete and total meltdown and now 11.5 yrs later I'm telling his story, my story and thinking about his love and basking in the happy memories I have with him.

dcw said...

I came across your site via a post by Aphroditi. May I suggest that you follow the blog of another courageous lady?

Wishing you well on your journey.

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