I was going to write today about Motherhood but I am so overwhelmed by grief over my brothers death that I cannot wrap my head around anything else. I've never experienced the death of a loved one, so have no idea how to process this. I am angry at God for taking my brother so soon. I wonder why he had to go. I don't understand any of this. All I feel is a huge loss and pain deep in my heart.
My mind keeps asking crazy questions like, did my brother choose to go to save me? If so, I'm really mad at him, that's not fair. Did he go so that there would be someone there looking after our family as we go through the toughest year we've ever had? If so, I'd rather have him here with us so we can talk to him, not gone. I keep asking him to talk to me, to tell me he's okay, that he is happy now, but he's not saying a word. I cannot believe that I'll never see him again. He used to piss me off so much sometimes and now that's all I want is him back so I can get mad at him again.
How does one get over the loss of a loved one? Does one ever stop crying? At night when I sleep I wake up every couple of hours and I miss him. I wake up in the morning and realize again that this is real, not a nightmare, and I miss him. Yesterday I looked through an album from our childhood, it was heartbreaking. He was such a handsome, little boy. All big smiles and big ears, just busting out wanting to be loved. As a little brother he drove me crazy and I was such a pest to him, now I feel guilty that I didn't love him enough. One of the great blessings that has come out of this loss is that so many people from all over the place have reached out to me and told me how much they loved my brother. They have shared stories with me of his kindness and his generosity and of his love for them. I did not know this side of him. The side that would do anything to help a neighbour or a friend in need, even if it was an inconvenience to him, the side that contributed to World Vision and other charitable organizations, the side that supported people when in crisis and guided them on how to live a better life. I am so glad to hear he was greatly loved and respected by so many people and that he was happy most of the time.
I miss you little brother. Talk to me will you!