Monday, 20 August 2012

One Step at a Time

(Written August 19th, 2012)
I'm like a zombie, just part of the walking dead, tears streaming down my face walking from room to room just hoping that by putting one step in front of the other I can get through this.  Walk down to the laundry with dirty shirts, pick up some clean clothes, bring them up to my son's room.  Have a break down and cry on his bed, back up I get - I see some clothes left in the suitcase from Vegas, I should walk those down to the laundry.  I can barely see through the tears, put them in the tub, turn it on.  Stop, breathe, pick up some clean towels and bring them back upstairs.  I can do this, I can do this, one step at a time.  I need to vent, need to get it out, that's why I'm writing.  

I had no idea this would be so hard.  I have lost my way.  Lost my purpose in this all.  I used to have some value, I got up every day for a reason, I had a job I loved, I was independent and happy, now the days drag by like a living hell, I have no reason anymore, I am just a burden, I am just doing what I am supposed to do but there is nothing there for me except worry.  I don't even know if I will make it to the other side and when I do what is there?  Who am I?  How will I get back on my feet again?  I am so torn apart by this all.  As I sit here on my bedroom floor I can see photographs of my little ones when they were very little.  I have failed them, I am sorry, I was not supposed to get sick.  I am the strong one.  My babies....... I love them so much.  Then there is the wedding photo of my husband and I with the horses.  He is my rock, I recall our wedding song:

Would you dance
If I asked you to dance?
Would you run
And never look back?
Would you cry
If you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble
If I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die 
For the one you loved?
Hold me in your arms, tonight. 

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I would stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Would you swear
That you'll always be mine?
Or would you lie?
Would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care
You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I would stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you.
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care
You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by your forever.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.

I had no idea that he would have to be my hero.  That I would put him through so much, it's just not fair, not right, I need to stand on my own two feet but I don't know how.  If I can just cry all the tears out, then there will be nothing left to cry and I'll be better, cleansed maybe.  It's early though, around 5pm and the dog has to be fed, and I have to be fed and I'm so bad at doing that, and then there is the long night ahead of me.  However, it's not just one long night, it is many many more long nights as I fight through this.  Months and months of ups and downs, do I have the resilience to get me through?  I know I have to because I have people counting on me, but sometimes........well sometimes it's just so bloody hard!!!!

Up I get, eyes are swollen enough and the dog has come upstairs looking to be fed - at least that is a purpose, so I'll make another trip back down the stairs, feed the dog, open the fridge door, look inside, see nothing I like, close the fridge door and go and sit on the couch until something else motivates me to move.  Never fear, I'm okay - it's just one step at a time.



Sue said...

Hi Michelle,
It is hard to accept our weekness, that our live will not be like we thought.
It is heartbreaking when we think of our "before" cancer life.
You will get through this one step at the time, we all did.
You will find a new "normal" while in treatment, then after treatment.
You are in the harderst part. You have the right to cry, what is happening to you is terrible. Having IBC is sometime like living in a horror movie.
I never thought I would see my 15 yrs old becoming a young caregiver helping my hubby. This is not a thing I would have never, never, think would happen.
But she loves me, and I love her, and we are spending wonderfull time together. That is what is important for now.
Tomorrow is another day.
If you feel to rest, take a break, it is normal to be overwhelmed by the regular home tasks. The chemo fatigue is cumulative. Find some time to do what you love best.
You are stronger than you think Michelle, just give you the time.
Hope I would be able to help you more than those simple words...

ashley said...

Big hugs Michelle... I know these kind of days all too well. Whenever you need to talk, I'm here.

– Ashley

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