Hello friends, I'm sorry I haven't written since my chemotherapy session last week. To be honest, I have fallen into a pit of despair. I wonder what the use is of all of this. From what I am researching Chemo, radiation and surgery is no cure, it's only making things worse for me and is no guarantee the cancer won't come back. So why am I bothering to do it at all. I feel it is taking away what little life I had left and making it a hell hole.
I want my old life back. I hate this cancer! Why did it have to happen? Why can't I just go back to normal. I just want to be normal. I want to go out with my friends, drive my car, walk my dog, play with my kids, cuddle my kids, go out for dinner with my husband, go on a vacation, do normal things! What I would give for NORMAL!!!! This life totally sucks and I'm only on chemo #2 of 17, what is the damn point. A whole year and a half taken from my life. A whole year and a half where my kids won't have a functional mum and for what????? So I can spend the next 2 years recovering from the ravages of chemotherapy and then maybe live one more year before it all comes crashing back?????
I will never be the same. Life for me is not life anymore. I feel like a robot, just ticking along doing what I'm supposed to be doing, taking the chemo and all the crap and doing what should be done because that's what the doctors say. I don't want this. There must be a better way. I am not a proper wife or mother anymore and that is horrible, I have all these peoples whose lives have now changed because of me. I hate that!!! This is a horrible burden on everyone and for that I am sorry.
So, as you can tell, blogging for me is not helping much right now. Perhaps things will get better in the next couple of days. In the meantime, this is it for now.
Enjoy the sunshine.
Monday, 9 July 2012