Monday, 9 July 2012

The Miserable Pit of Hell!

Hello friends, I'm sorry I haven't written since my chemotherapy session last week. To be honest, I have fallen into a pit of despair. I wonder what the use is of all of this. From what I am researching Chemo, radiation and surgery is no cure, it's only making things worse for me and is no guarantee the cancer won't come back. So why am I bothering to do it at all. I feel it is taking away what little life I had left and making it a hell hole.

I want my old life back. I hate this cancer! Why did it have to happen? Why can't I just go back to normal. I just want to be normal. I want to go out with my friends, drive my car, walk my dog, play with my kids, cuddle my kids, go out for dinner with my husband, go on a vacation, do normal things! What I would give for NORMAL!!!! This life totally sucks and I'm only on chemo #2 of 17, what is the damn point. A whole year and a half taken from my life. A whole year and a half where my kids won't have a functional mum and for what????? So I can spend the next 2 years recovering from the ravages of chemotherapy and then maybe live one more year before it all comes crashing back?????

I will never be the same. Life for me is not life anymore. I feel like a robot, just ticking along doing what I'm supposed to be doing, taking the chemo and all the crap and doing what should be done because that's what the doctors say. I don't want this. There must be a better way. I am not a proper wife or mother anymore and that is horrible, I have all these peoples whose lives have now changed because of me. I hate that!!! This is a horrible burden on everyone and for that I am sorry.

So, as you can tell, blogging for me is not helping much right now. Perhaps things will get better in the next couple of days. In the meantime, this is it for now.

 Enjoy the sunshine.



Unknown said...

Michelle, please look up Dr. Burzynski. There is a documentary online about his treatments that have been gaining lots of recognition.

Michelle Pammenter Young said...

To the person who commented above, you are now the third person to mention this clinic to me. What do you know about Dr. Burzynski? Have you been there?

Ashleigh said...

Hey darling - you have changed many people's lives for the better & everyday I am working hard telling your story "helping" people see the light & protect themselves. See the light - it is there. No one said this road was going to be easy. If you want to chat, yell, cry or laugh give me a shout - I'm here for ya babe. Big hugs!!!

Sue said...

Dear Michelle,

I hear you, IBC is agressive and so are the treatments. I am 3 years out of treatment, sadly, just had to go back on chemo last March.

BUT - I know survivors who are more than 15 years without reccurrence! You have to focus that you will be one of the long term survivors.

Whenever you need to vent, don't hesitate, and reach for others who went throug it, they will understand.



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