Friday, 1 March 2013

Our Choices = Our Life

March is here finally.  As I sit here listening to the rain falling on my skylights, it doesn't feel very spring like, however I am hoping it is just around the corner.  I am so tired of the wet days and today we even had snow for most of the day.

I know I haven't been blogging much lately and for that I apologize, I have however been very busy writing trying to get my book finished, edited and published before I go under the "big" knife.  This all takes lots of time and patience on my part.  Patience has never been one of my virtues so I am stressing out a little bit about the self imposed deadlines I have put upon myself.  I wanted all of this done by the end of February, but as usual, life had it's own agenda.  After radiation I experienced ten days of further "cooking" even though I wasn't being treated, followed by a week of severe exhaustion (along with a heavy heart), and then this week my body decides to kick it to me and I get my first stomach flu in probably twenty years.  So, therefore I'm about two weeks behind my schedule.

Back to the heavy heart.  I figured I had come to terms with my cancer and my prognosis.   Apparently I haven't yet because I spent a lot of the past week feeling very angry and cheated.  At first I could not figure out why, then it dawned on me.  My body and mind was starting to feel better, the heavy chemo had been over for nearly three months and the effects of radiation were starting to heal.  I was starting to feel like a human being again.  So, like all human beings I got this insatiable drive to live and enjoy and get out and do something with my life.  Then I got angry because I realized I won't have the privilege of having a full life anymore.  Let me clarify, my definition of a full life is to be able to live freely without serious concern for death until at least in my late eighties or nineties when my body will probably be begging for a rest.  I got angry because I know for me that is not the case, I cannot fulfil my dreams of moving to the tropics when my children are adults, I will probably never be back in the South Pacific or Australia again, I certainly could not embark on a brand new career if I wanted to.  Not that I want to do that, I love my career and am looking forward to returning to it, it was simply the realization that I do not have the luxury of that choice anymore.  

This made me think about our lives and the choices we all have to make along the way.  Have we made the right choices?  Take a moment to think back to a time in your life when you had to make a significant choice, it may not have been a conscious choice at the time, but looking back on it now you can see that it had an impact.  For example, if you met your husband skiing at Whistler one day, what do you think would have happened if you had decided not to go skiing on that particular day?  Or if you had stayed on with a particular job rather than accepting an offer from another company, where would you be now?  Or even something as simple as choosing the time of day you go to the coffee shop or grocery store may be forming your future.  
Less than two years ago I'm skinnier & balder now.

Knowing this, would you have made any different choices?  Are you happy with where you are?   Do you need to live more consciously, more in the moment in order to help create a better future for yourself?  Do you believe you can do that?  I do.  I believe every step we take, every corner we turn changes and influences our lives, like waves that become bigger and bigger.  In the beginning they are ripples, hardly felt at all, but over time they become the massive forces that will push you towards the future you are creating.  So my analytical mind thinks perhaps a good way to map this is to start with how you want your future to look and build a road map working back from there.  Yes, I know this is not a new concept but it might be worth a closer look.  Where do you want to be in five years?  Running a B&B in St. Thomas?  Raising sheep in New Zealand?  Picture your dream, your ideal plan and draw it on a piece of paper with lines showing all the steps that lead back from there to here, where you are today.  Who knows, it could be fun and you just may find a way to make it happen.  

I'd love to hear some of your stories if you'd care to share, either by commenting on this post or certainly you can message me privately.  I've always loved dreaming and although I still have mine I realize they will not likely become reality, so I'd love to enjoy yours.

It's late now and the raining is pounding harder on the skylights.  Time for me to get some sleep, tomorrow will come sooner than I think.

Happy March....


Facing Cancer Together said...

Hi Michelle,

My name is Catherine. I found your blog through I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so discouraged about living a full life. I don't know all of your story (though I'm sure I'll learn it through reading), and I certainly cannot promise that post treatment the fear disappears . . . but I hope for you that your definition of fullness evolves as you do, and you find fulfilment in whatever you can accomplish.

As for me, I met my husband while travelling in France, and will always be grateful for following my instincts even when it might have looked crazy to do so. As for regret, the only things I've ever regretted doing was NOT taking action or a risk. That's how I justify all my travel expenses!

Take care and good luck with the upcoming work,

Post a Comment

Back to top!