It is the same with grief. From an outside perspective I walk through every day as if it is a normal day. What you don't know is the true measure of my day.
Let's start this with my night.
I barely sleep.
I awaken every forty-five minutes or so, not from some nightmare, or stress on my mind. It is an intense sadness that settles in that awakens me.
I think of words unsaid and love lost.
I think of mummy and what conversations we could have shared yesterday,
I think of C. I think of the sadness that was his death. I miss him. I miss his massive spirit. I wish more than anything I could turn back time. Not just to a few months before his death, but years before. Turn the clock back to when he was a little boy. To where I can love him, hold him and cherish him. Maybe if I had done that he would still be here.
Then my thoughts change again...remember this is the middle of the night. The no-sleep times when your mind is completely exhausted.
I suddenly go to his moment of death and I get so angry. This happens to me too much these days. I get so angry that I couldn't stop what happened. Why did I not know enough to prevent his death? My conscious mind realizes how futile this is and yet I still fight this every day.
Flash, flash.....now I'm thinking of mum again. Missing her, missing talking to her. I miss those days we would watch HGTV together and dream about our favourite houses.
I wish I could show her my hair. "Hey Mum, it's growing back. Yes, it's grey, but look how cool, it's growing back". I wish she could rub my head and rejoice in my healing. However she cannot. She has been stolen from me.
So here I am, the sun is beginning to rise. I've barely slept a wink and another day is presenting itself on the horizon.
I'm not ready yet. Slow down please. Let me sleep a few more hours so I am not so.....
broken. Missing Mum and missing my brother.
Let me get some peace and at least start the next day on a positive note.
Life is not like that. We cannot request a reprieve.
|C & I almost twenty years ago.|
And as I do, I hit the shower, I cry, I cry away the grief and pain from the night and as the hot water washes away the tears I feel stronger, then I get out of the shower, turn the happy music on and begin my day......hold my head up high and be strong. It is the only way I know how to do it and I think it works.
For me anyway.
Thanks to Wade for tolerating my loud bathroom music. It has helped me get up and be human almost every day.