Saturday, 23 March 2013

So It's All Normal Isn't it? But What About GRIEF?

I'm one of the lucky ones.  I never looked ill.  My cancer never exhibited itself physically.  It wasn't until chemotherapy that I started to look tired and bedraggled   Then finally people could see that everything wasn't all right in my world.

It is the same with grief.  From an outside perspective  I  walk through every day as if it is a normal day.    What you don't know is the true measure of my day.

Let's start this with my night.

I barely sleep.

I awaken every forty-five minutes or so, not from some nightmare, or stress on my mind.  It is an intense sadness that settles in that awakens me.

I miss.

I wish.

I think of words unsaid and love lost.

I think of mummy and what  conversations we could have shared yesterday,

I cry.

I think of C.  I think of the sadness that was his death.  I miss him. I miss his massive spirit.  I wish more than anything I could turn back time.  Not just to a few months before his death, but years before.  Turn the clock back to when he was a little boy.  To where I can love him, hold him and cherish him.  Maybe if I had done that he would still be here.

Then my thoughts change again...remember this is the middle of the night.  The no-sleep times when your mind is completely exhausted.

I suddenly go to his moment of death and I get so angry.  This happens to me too much these days.  I get so angry that I couldn't stop what happened.  Why did I not know enough to prevent his death?  My conscious mind realizes how futile this is and yet I still fight this every day.

Flash, I'm thinking of mum again.  Missing her, missing talking to her.  I miss those days we would watch HGTV together and dream about our favourite houses.

I wish I could show her my hair.  "Hey Mum, it's growing back.  Yes, it's grey, but look how cool, it's growing back".  I wish she could rub my head and rejoice in my healing.  However she cannot.  She has been stolen from me.

So here I am, the sun is beginning to rise.  I've barely slept a wink and another day is presenting itself on the horizon.

I'm not ready yet.  Slow down please.  Let me sleep a few more hours so I am not so.....

broken.  Missing Mum and missing my brother.

Let me get some peace and at least start the next day on a positive note.

Life is not like that.  We cannot request a reprieve.

C & I almost twenty years ago.
We must pick ourselves up.....

And as I do, I hit the shower, I cry, I cry away the grief and pain from the night and as the hot water washes away the tears I feel stronger, then I get out of the shower, turn the happy music on and begin my day......hold my head up high and be strong.  It is the only way I know how to do it and I think it works.

For me anyway.

Thanks to Wade for tolerating my loud bathroom music.  It has helped me get up and be human almost every day.



ashley said...

Sending you a huge hug from the Coast Michelle... I can only imagine how much harder this time has been for you with the added grief. I wish I could turn the clocks back for you too.

Love that you are using music to boost your moods! I too am a fan of loud bathroom music during a shower. Whatever gets us through, right!?

Much love xo

– Ashley

Unknown said...

Thanks Ashley. I somehow thought this would all get easier by degree. I guess not huh. Yesterday I was listening to "Pumped up the Kicks" Got me laughing again. I'll need music to recover from surgery.

Only 7 days left...YIKES!

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