Saturday, 17 November 2012

Passing a Milestone and a Thank You!

This coming Thursday I will pass a very important milestone in my treatment and although I am thrilled to be doing so, I am also saddened by news of my friends from the Callanish Retreat.  My prayers and thoughts go out to them as they are struggling with terrible setbacks and have to once again get on the cancer roller coaster not knowing what is in store for them.  My heart aches for you all.

My progress in this journey, although it seems like forever to me, is actually still in the beginning stages.  I haven't reached the stage where I am "Cancer Free" yet, so fortunately haven't had to deal with the cancer coming back news.  If you think getting cancer is hard, then imagine how devastated one must feel when after months and months of fighting with all you've got, finally feeling that you are over it, then getting the news that it is back.  Your world must just come crashing down around you.  I can almost feel that terrible sense of loss deep in your heart as you fall to your knees sobbing.  This awful gut wrenching feeling is something I must avoid at all costs, so I will battle this slimy enemy until he is exhausted and gives up altogether.

So....on to this Thursday.  It is my last Taxol treatment!  Yeah, three evil chemotherapy treatment regimes will be done, complete, gone, never to be seen again.  I am amazed at how I managed to make it through them.  I remember the days when I was so ill I thought I was going to die, or would rather have died than go for another chemo session.  I remember having the ambulance called because I could not breath, and then when they got here, they couldn't find a pulse - I remember asking them "please don't let me die".  Ah the power of the human spirit, here I was so sick I wanted to die, yet begging the ambulance attendant not to let me die on the way to the hospital.  I remember dry heaving on the toilet and ending up in tears on the bathroom floor for hours.  I was so angry, so lost, so scared, I felt so guilty for having cancer, I felt I had failed my family and everyone else.  I was terrified before each chemo session, but somehow managed to wake up, sing my way through my shower and show up at the hospital all smiles and ready to go.  I slept through most treatments because I was too afraid to look around and realize where I was.  I was one of the dying, I was in a room being given one of the worst treatments on earth for one of the worst diseases on earth, and I was twenty plus years younger than most of the other patients.  I didn't want to know this.  So I asked for an Ativan each time and closed my eyes and drifted off while silently praying for this to all go away.  Every time I woke up it was to the beautiful blue eyes of my loving husband who never left my side (other than to go and get my meds while I slept).  He has been with me every step of the way.  He has held me when I cried, helped me to walk when the pain was too much, kept me fed with delicious meals, even if I couldn't eat them all, cheered me up when I didn't feel like getting out of bed for days and always, always been there for me. When he had to go away to work, then my amazing friends appeared, bringing soups, casseroles, fruit, vegetables and lots of loving kindness.  My children were looked after, my dog was walked, my house was taken care of and my spirits were cheered up.  I am so grateful to Wade and everyone of you who helped me get through this terrible time, there is no possible way I could have done this alone, so Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

Oh.....right, this Thursday.  Well, let's celebrate the last Taxol treatment!  If anyone wants to pop by, either at the hospital on Thursday morning, or when I am back at home early Thursday evening or on Friday (I'll be sleeping most of Thursday afternoon), then please do so.  I'd love to see you, wish I could have some bubbly on hand....hmmmmm...maybe the hospital would allow a small amount :-)  We'll say bye bye to Nasty Chemo for GOOD!

Next up......Herceptin continues, yup, I'm not quite done with chemo, I still have to complete my Herceptin cycle, which will take me until August 2013.  It's only every three weeks though, and if my heart takes it easy and doesn't get too damaged, then things should all progress well.

Lucky for me, I do have a mini break in December.  You see, after hitting me with the hard chemo for 6 months or so, I now get a month off (except for the Herceptin), to recover before they begin radiation in January.  R A D I A T I O N ........... the next test in my battle for domination.  I can do it though, I'm a fighter, I can handle 6 weeks of being hit with radioactive rays.  You bet I can.  I'll have Wade with me every day and my family has offered for me to stay with them if the drive becomes too much during the last few weeks, so I'll be just fine.  Like the typical Aries that I am, I'll just put my head down and charge right through this.

Watch out I come.



Anonymous said...

You have such spirit and conviction Michelle. Reading your entries always reminds me to be appreciative and grateful. With your optimism i do not doubt you create a light for others going through this dark travel.

Thank you beautiful.

Denise Salmon said...

Amazing strength Michelle! Your journey is an inspiration to others, I read every one of your blog posts and wish you nothing but the very best <3 Soldier on and show the world how it's done!

Anonymous said...

Michelle, your courage is an inspiration.
I would like to send you a little something via mail sometime to let you know I am thinking about you. Please email me when you feel up to it with your address.

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