Remembering my brother

Today it is one year since my brothers death.  I now understand when people say you never get over

Chris giving a goofy smile

the death of a loved one.  I still think of Chris daily.  Just the simple act of saying his name brings tears to my eyes.  I wonder everyday where he might be.  What is he doing?  Is he happy?  Can he see us?

When I look around at this beautiful world we live in I am so sad that he is no longer here to enjoy it. That he no longer gets to see spectacular sunsets, enjoy a hug or even eat an amazing meal.

Death is so cruel and so final.  Why are we designed to love people only to experience such pain when they leave us?  I remember Chris as a little boy.  He was so naive and had such a big heart.  He was never cruel, had the shyest little smile and adored my parents.  Throughout most of his young childhood he had skinned knees, bumps and bruises due to acting without thinking.

One day - he would have been about nine years old, we were at a local playground playing on this thing called a fuffy slide (I'm not sure what it is called in North America?)  It is a long cable with a high ramp on the one side.  You hold on to a T-bar and slide down to the other end.  Then afterwards you walk the T-bar piece back up to the next rider.  Anyway, this kid had just gone and Chris was next. The kid walked as far as he could (height wise) along the line and then threw the T-bar to Chris.  Of course Chris wasn't paying attention and this heavy metal bar whacked him right in the centre of his forehead creating a large bleeding hole which when healed left a scar as a constant reminder of that day.  Poor little gaffer. (Chris would use a different word here.)

I miss that little boy.  I miss my strong, opinionated, generous and loving little brother.  I miss our arguments.  He could never understand that I was always right - maybe he does now LOL.  I wish I

could have prevented what happened.   I wish he didn't have to miss out on the best years of life.

If he was here with me right now I would take him in my arms (or curl up into his huge arms) and tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am for being such a pesky argumentative sister.  I would want to honour all the beautiful things that make Chris who he is.  His kindness, his loyalty, his wise words, his love, his crazy generosity and of course his huge stubbornness.

I love you Chis.

Wish you were here.

Love always, your big sister.

Michelle